The Bodacious Belgrade Blog

September 15, 2008

How On Earth Am I Going To Be Able To Be A Good Father?

Filed under: Uncategorized — bunitingi @ 3:18 pm
Tags: , ,

Dear Dan Savage,

Hi, i’m writing to share my sexual kink with you. I can only get off by being peed on by ferrets or being pooped on by pigeons. I spend my days hanging out in parks, covering myself in crumbs and peanut butter waiting for pigeons to cover me, and in their eating frenzy poop all over me. Oh, it’s SO good.

I’ve tried to have relationships, and sometimes i can manage to get a girl (without telling her about this of course) to have sex with me in a park, but unless some pigeons manage to hit me with their warm love-gifts, i just can’t get stimulated. Naturally this makes any chance of having a fulfilling relationship with another human being almost impossible.

There’s no question that i’m like this because my Dad was such a putz. I mean you should have seen this guy. What a douchebag. Anyway, just thought i’d share.

Sincerely,

Paul’s Grown Up Son.

Dear New York Times,

Now that the man hunt has reached critical level, and the FBI has offered millions of dollars in reward money, and the population of New York is truly terrified, it has come time for me to reveal myself:

I, Paul’s Grown Up Son, am the infamous Ass-Clown the authority’s are seeking.

Yes, I am the one who breaks into people’s homes. When they return, although the locks are broken, they can’t find anything missing. Shaken, they eventually resume normal life.

One month later they get an envelope in the mail. Inside of it are a series of photographs. The first is of a clown standing in there doorway. (That’s me! I do this because my father sucked) The next one is the clown in their kitchen. The next is of the clown in their bedroom, on their bed. The next is the clown in their bathroom. Then the clown is holding their toothbrushes. The last one is of the clown with their toothbrushes up his butt.

Yes, it has been me that is terrorizing the city. I have had a great time toying with you, but now it is time to turn myself in and spend the rest of my life in jail. I don’t know why i do it, but i’m sure it has something to do with my father. That guy had no idea what he was doing. What a jerkoff.

Sincerely,

Paul’s Grown Up Son.

P.S. i also kill people.

Dear Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly,

I am your biggest fan in the entire world. I cry with devotion whenever you speak and follow you like a disciple.

Love,

Paul’s Grown Up Son

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1 Comment »

  1. Been listening to a bit too much Bill Hicks, have we?

    Hell, even Darth Vader’s kid turned out all right. Though I could’ve done without Poppy Bush’s…

    Comment by matthew — September 15, 2008 @ 5:23 pm | Reply


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