The Bodacious Belgrade Blog

September 20, 2008

Slash Fan Fiction

Filed under: Uncategorized — bunitingi @ 2:41 pm
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For those of you who are not aware of this, and certainly for the squeamish amongst you, this will probably not be a pleasant post. Go watch the Planet Unicorn vid.

Okay. Fan fiction.

This is where some dork is so in love with a series or movie franchise, that instead of being creative and coming up with his/her OWN universe and characters, s/he decides to write a story in this pre-existing universe they’re totally geeked out in.

Simple, right?

Ah, but we’re not done YET. Noooooooooo the fan fiction of which I speak, takes this concept even further!

See, when you watch some sci-fi series or movie, let’s take Star Wars for instance, what you’re NOT going to see or read is the characters getting it on. Graphically. And you ESPECIALLY won’t see any scenes where the characters get it in gay rape scenarios.

THIS is the fan fiction of which i speak. Slash Fan Fiction. And a great deal of it involves gay sex, non or BARELY consensual sex, and most often, both.( i am in no way equating the 2. This is just the trend)

Now you know i won’t leave you high an dry. Here’s some examples:

This first one is simple enough. It’s based off the new Indiana Jones movie (which i rather detested). All you have to know is that the kid in, it, Indy’s new sidekick is named Mutt. Did you know that? I saw the movie and i didn’t know that. Alright, this is pretty straightforward:

[[Mutt watched wide-eyed as his idol went back and forth across the rug. Indy stopped and looked at his son, that dangerous, lopsided smile on his face; Mutt wanted to lick him.

“Kid, you have got to get your emotions under control,” Indy said harshly. “I can see your thoughts all over your face. Haven’t you ever learned to bluff?”

“Sure, I can bluff,” Mutt said instantly. “I can if I need to, but why would I need to lie to you? I want you to know everything about me, and I want to know everything about you.”

“Everything?” he asked wickedly.

Mutt swallowed visibly and said shakily, “Well… may-maybe not everything…”

“That’s what I thought,” Indy said, going to the liquor cabinet for a drink. He poured a glass of scotch and gulped it down, pouring another right behind it in the same glass.

“Here,” he said, thrusting the glass into Mutt’s hands. “Drink. You’re going to need it. Your mother’s all out of baby oil.”]]

Let us fast forward a smidge:

[[“It’s going to feel better in a minute,” Indy promised. He pulled away yet again, tormenting the youth with a smirk, “As soon as you promise me something.”

“Anything,” Mutt said immediately.

“Promise me that you’ll go to school every day.”

Mutt blinked confusedly making Indy grin. “You want me… you want me to go to school?”

“Yes, Mutt,” Indy said, leaning down to stroke the boy’s cheek with his thumb. “Can you do that for me?”

“Yeah, I mean, I guess,” he mumbled; it was hard to think with Indy’s mouth so close to his. They kissed again, giving Mutt a moment for his brain to form a thought. “Wait, you’re using me to make me go to school?”

“Technically you’re using me,” Indy said. “I’m exploiting your lust for a good cause. It’s for your future, Mutt.”

“So you’re blackmailing me,” Mutt said when it finally registered.

“Bingo,” his father said with a smile.

“What will you do if I say no?” Mutt countered.

“Are you saying no?” Indy said sternly.

“No,” Mutt gulped instantly.

Indy leaned in, his scotch-laden breath on Mutt’s cheek as he whispered, “Good boy.”]]

From there it…. shall we say goes on to use many words and situations which are not PG-13.

So, imagine all the stroking and thrusting and what not. And then let’s move on to something a little more… uh… creative.

Here’s a fine one from the Star Wars universe and involves, uh, Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan, and uh… Count Dooku:

[[“Your swords, please,” said Count Dooku, walking toward Anakin and Obi-Wan. “You don’t want to make a mess of things in front of the Chancellor.”

“You will NEVER have our swords, Dooku,” said Obi-Wan, his sweaty hand tightening on his lightsaber.

“Really?” said Count Dooku, sounding disappointed. “Well, I could live without yours, Master Kenobi, but I would really like to hold Anakin’s lightsaber in my hands.”

“Ugh,” Anakin said indistinctly.

“I mean, it’s so long and hard, you know,” Dooku went on.]]

RRROWR! What a build up! But don’t worry, i won’t leave you hanging:

[[“Gentlemen, I’m getting tired of this,” declared Dooku. “You’re just waving your lightsabers around, instead of sticking them somewhere.”

Again, unbidden images rose in Obi-Wan’s mind. More to distract himself than anything else, he resumed his attack on Count Dooku, and Anakin joined him.

But it seemed that Count Dooku had really grown tired. Neither Anakin nor Obi-Wan knew how exactly it had happened, but suddenly they were both holding smouldering metallic stumps in their hands. Count Dooku had somehow managed to cut the handles of their lightsabers in two.

“Shit,” thought Anakin, Obi-Wan and Palpatine at once.

“That’s better,” said Count Dooku, turning off his lightsaber. “Well, now that we’re all warmed up, why don’t we *********and ******** like crazy womprats?”

“Say, that sounds like a good idea,” Anakin said suddenly.

“WHAT?” cried Obi-Wan, turning on him.

“I mean, it’s better than hacking each other into pieces, right?” said Anakin. “Besides, Master, to be completely frank, I’ve always wanted to try a couple of things with you…”

“That’s two votes against one, Master Kenobi,” said Dooku. “According to the democratic principles that you so strongly adore, we win, and you must succumb to our decision.”

Obi-Wan was going to say something else when he felt Anakin’s hand cup his…sensitive area, making all thought vanish.

“Hey, you’re harder than a lightsaber, Master,” said Anakin with a grin. “Not quite the impeccable Jedi we pretend to be, are we?”

“Stop! What are you doing?!” shouted Palpatine, but Dooku, Anakin and Obi-Wan paid no attention to him. They were busy ripping each other’s clothes. Soon Palpatine was witnessing the hottest threesome scene in his life, and he couldn’t even ******* because his hands were being held by shackles.

And it served him right.]]

Yes. Towering literary accomplishments i know.

All the classics are covered: Harry Potter, Star Trek, Lord Of The Rings, etc. Strange couplings between obscure characters no non-dork could possibly even NAME. Some involve famous people in bands (like say Coldplay) doing it with… Gandalf.

But I know what you REALLY want to know is….. just HOW twisted DOES it get?

Oh, i am SO glad you asked.

Let’s think of what famous sci-fi character you would most NOT EVER want to see doing it with anything or anyone. Anybody? What’s that? Yoda? Yes, i think we have a winner!

As if Yoda wasn’t bad enough, and that’s pretty bad, we have one of his small apprentices. So we get cross species pedophilia in there, too.

Now, if this sort of thing offends you (and to be blunt, if it DOESN’T, just don’t ever let me know)… let me rephrase. If you haven’t stopped reading this post by now than you’re obviously not particularly prudish. So you know what’s coming next cannot possibly be good.

Here it goes:

[[Slowly, the master Jedi descended the staircase, his new Padawan following closely, surprised at how everything was unfolding. “Two thousand years this passage has been here. Older then me, it is,” he added with a laugh. “You have been chosen, young Windu. Today, the pleasures of initiation, you will discover,” the master said in a mysterious tone.

Mace shivered slightly as the path led him to a room with a large bay window and a large bed in the center as it’s only furniture. It was surrounded by water, like a small island, with a small bridge on either side to cross it. From the window, Mace could see the sun almost completely set and lights all around the city.

“Come to the bed, my child,” Yoda said warmly.]]

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I get squeamish just reading that last line AND NOTHING’S EVEN HAPPENED YET!!!!!

Ah, we’ve come to far to turn back now. It gets as bad as you think.

[[“First, you must remove all of your clothing. To feel the force perfectly between us, there must be no obstacles.”

“My… clothing?” Mace suddenly became very nervous. “You mean, I have to be naked?”

“Yes, yes. Please hurry,” Yoda said with a bit of excitement and rush. The tone was unlike any he had ever heard from the creature, usually very much in control of his emotions and voice. But Mace was the student and he was committed to learning new ways; he obeyed with no additional word. Slowly and a little shy to be revealed in such a manner, he removed his Jedi robes. He had to roll partially on his back to remove his pants.

With only his underwear remaining to hide his nudity, Yoda said: “Allow me.” And giving no time to respond, he slid the garment up his legs, revealing Mace’s cute uncut *****. The boy was a bit surprised from the feel of Yoda’s skin, soft and slightly wrinkled. He looked away, blushing a bit and missing Yoda’s licking his lips. The master finally finished removing it and threw it aside with no further ceremony and Mace could sit back as he was on the edge of the bed.]]

If there is anybody still actually reading this post, i am shocked, and you have my sincere condolences. You are probably not feeling very well by now. It’s okay. Take a deep breath. There. Okay, here we go:

[[“Now, undress the master the student must.” By now, Mace could feel that something more than a simple initiation was going on. Still, he could not disobey his master and besides, since he had become nude, he felt something more in the force, he felt more attuned to the master.

He opened the Jedi’s robes and slid them over his shoulders, Yoda not offering any resistance. His shirt was swiftly removed, revealing the dark green chest under it. Not a hair laid on the smooth skin, which surprised the padawan somewhat, expecting to find more of the silver hair that added proof to the Jedi’s age.

It was Yoda’s turn to lay on his back, lifting his hips slightly to provide access to his pants. The position was more then a little humoristic, to see a Jedi Master in such a position, but Mace was too nervous to catch on. The boy grabbed his pants and started pulling them along his short legs. He rapidly revealed his master’s already ***** and dripping ****, a barren sack under it, and slid the pants all the way down to his ankles, then off completely.]]

I just can’t go through every detail,. so we’ll just offer a few snapshots (you should thank me. there is a lot of detail and Yoda takes his time):

[[He crawled between his master’s legs and….]]

[[But Yoda was a master not only of the force but at pleasure and knew how to make it last, even for one who would have trouble from shooting his load in too much of a haste.]]

[[When he was done, the small creature got off his disciple and to his side. Mace took his master into his arms and Yoda returned the embrace. Usually filled with youthful stamina, Mace Windu now felt completely drained, but Yoda didn’t mind as he enjoyed the simple comfort of his arms.

Without a word, without a care, the boy fell asleep against the smooth skin of his master.]]

There. Now you can go about your day knowing that nothing coming up in it can possibly be worse than what you have just witnessed. Heck, the rest of your WEEK will probably pass and can only go up from here.

“DEAR GD PAUL!!! WHY?! WHY?!?!”

Just thought i’d share an educate. Now you knows things you never knew before.

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