The Bodacious Belgrade Blog

September 29, 2008

Advice To Son About Women

Filed under: Uncategorized — bunitingi @ 6:21 pm
Tags: , , ,

I make no bones about it: i had absolutely no male role model whatsoever growing up. An almost pathetically awkward, heavily self internalized father struggling futilely and desperately with his homosexuality who was finally out of the house somewhere during 6th grade does not count as male role model. Other friends of mine who did not have fathers got their male role model fix by befriending older males and learning from them. I just simply side stepped the whole idea, with maybe the exception of adoring Stan Lee, the brains behind Marvel comics.

As such i didn’t really begin filling out the masculine side of my personality until my late 20s and early 30s.

And now, i’ve got to raise a son.

It is no secret i’m a little clueless as i just can’t picture what a kind, encouraging fatherly presence looks like. On the other hand, i’m not really overly concerned, as i’m old enough to trust myself in most situations, including this one, and completely confident that at the very least i won’t be a dick.

As i sit on my totally rocking terrace at night and either listen to music or just sit in silence and let my thoughts wander, more and more i think about the various points in my son’s life that i’ll have to deal with coming up.

Potty training comes to mind. Riding a bike, learning to stand up for himself, learning patience and how to deal with fear… and of course…. chicks.

How to give him the inside info he needs on chicks? I mean let’s be honest, this is not a sit down one time one day and have a discussion that goes something like:

“Son, there’s something i want to talk to you about. See, sometimes, when a man and a woman love each other very much, the man will…. well, he’ll start by buying her dinner a bunch of times. But if the man doesn’t really love her but only likes her a lot in a certain way he might just buy her a whole bunch of cocktails, which depending on where they are might actually cost more than a dinner.

“And then… well son.. uhm…. here, let me just show you this diagram which will pretty much illustrate what you’ll be contending with. This includes the whole dinner/cocktail process, too. Actually, this ESPECIALLY includes the whole dinner/cocktail process:

“Once you get back home… uh… well you’ll do a lot of kissing. I hope. You really should. It’s a good way to get the whole ball rolling especially for her. And then…

“Well… uhm…. remember all those talks we had about patience? How patience is very important and you know how we’ve worked on being patient in getting things we want? Well son, this is probably the most important way in which patience will pay off.

“How? Well, uh… a bunch of ways. First of all maybe she just wants to kiss and nothing else. Now son, some men will attempt to hump her leg like an overexcited dog, or, and son, this is the worst, you must NEVER do this, they will beg for some nookie. Never ever beg. Seriously. Sooner or later you will watch another man do it, and it looks pathetic. Don’t be that guy.

“See son, being patient and in control of yourself will pay off in dividends. She’ll totally respect you for being patient, in control of yourself, which is inner strength and thus manly, unlike the other desperate shmucks she’s made out with, and will be more likely to give it up later.

“Seriously, the respect that patience and self control will get you is worth it’s weight in gold. Not only with the hot babe in question, but she’ll talk to her friends and you’ll end up being a total stud muffin.

“This patience and self control will REALLY go well for you once the actual nookie commences. Seriously. As a young man, having patience and self control during the nookie is the most important and, by the way, difficult bit to learn. Once you learn it, though, this will catapult your stud status to rock star heights.

“However, this takes time, and no one has a clue what they’re doing at first when they try the whole nookie thing. Heck your old man here… keeping from getting overexcited they first time he’s with a hot babe and having it not be quite the marathon he was intending…. i’ve certainly had to shrug and smile impishly a time or two.

You’ll learn how to deal with this. Personally, i used to silently recite the Raven by Edgar Allen Poe. (creak-a-creak-a-creak-“once upon a midnight weary”-creak-a-creak-“as i pondered weak and weary”-creak-a-creak-“over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore”….) However, if it does happen to end a bit sooner than you both had wished, just shrug it off, smile, and thank her for letting you have a little warm up. Casually assure her not to worry, you just need a little 10 minute recuperation and will be back to business. During this time you can practice some special woman pleasing skills we’ll be getting into next time called “going down” which every man should know how to do. If you do this, she won’t even notice the 10 minutes go by.

“Don’t ever be too embarrassed or ashamed if things go a little haywire one way or the other. We guys have ALL been there and had to learn. Your Uncle Jeff, Uncle Milos and even Uncle Kevin and Uncle Michael. All us guys have to learn stuff like that and we ALL have funny stories to tell about when our exploits didn’t quite go as planned, so don’t be too embarrassed. It just makes you part of the man-club.

“Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Shower. Personal hygiene, son. A little bit of this goes a looooong way with the ladies. Can’t stress this enough. I know Mommy likes to joke about when Daddy gets all smelly, but really, she doesn’t like it, and if you want to be getting any, good personal hygiene will greatly increase your chances. As will cocktails, but i don’t think that’s maybe so appropriate to talk about until you’re in college.

“Daddy IS making a bit of a joke with the whole cocktail thing. You know that? Men who get women so drunk that they barely know what they’re doing are scum sucking vermin. No, seriously, they’re not men, they’re selfish little bastards with no sense of honor. A man always treats women with respect, just like you want me and your uncles to treat mommy.

“Son, you’ll have toooons of opportunities to have sex, so really, don’t worry about it so much. The most important thing is that you and your girl have fun together, even if it’s just kissing or being silly. It is your sacred responsibility as an honorable man to make sure that you don’t do anything she doesn’t want to do, and that you treated her with respect and kindness. Any jackass who tells you otherwise is a buffoon. Think about whoever’s told you otherwise. Did they really seem like an honorable man who women actually admire? I mean seriously. Or do they seems like slimy boys who are mostly just trying to impress.

“Patience, self control, and kindness. Trust me. This will impress. You’ll be a rockstar. Oh confidence! Right, confidence! Confidence is KEY! Chicks TOTALLY love confidence! Seriously. Most powerful babe magnet in the WORLD is confidence. Cannot overstress that enough. I have seen women go home with some seriously visually challenged dudes just because they possessed confidence.

“Heck, one time i watched this guy i know, not a particularly attractive guy, you know, he’s okay, actually land a girl by asking her if he could eat lima beans out her butt with a wooden spoon.

“Uh… son, now that i think about that, you should just ignore that last story. Don’t, really, don’t ever try that. Daddy should never have told you that. What? NO it wasn’t your Dad. Jesus. Totally not my style. Confidence is not being a douchebag. Confidence without kindness is…. here watch this youtube video. See? He’s confident! No doubt about that. But he’s a total douchebag.

“Damn, i just can’t do this in one sitting. There’s no WAY! When i was your age my mom, grandma, gave me a book. It was a good book. Bloody hell, i haven’t even mentioned the clitoris!  More often than not, during nookie it’s your best friend.

“Alright, we’ll just have to continue this next weekend. Tell you what, why don’t you think of any questions? I can answer just about anything you might want to know, so just ask me anytime.”

…….

Personally, i think the better idea is to go camping or fishing with a friend of his and an adult male friend of mine. Then me and MY friend just simply start talking trading stories about women and sex (not involving his mother. It doesn’t even have to be personal stories. just… stories and situations). This allows me and the other adult to matter of factly discuss intimate details he’ll need to know without it being so intensely focused. And as a relaxed conversation it allows he and his friend to ask questions or simply pick up on details that me and my adult friend will casually be throwing out.

This is the better plan, i think. I don’t know, talk to me in…. 12 years? 11? I mean, i imagine i’ll have had the whole “where do babies come from” conversation WAY before then. (basically, when ever he asks i’ll answer frankly, to whatever degree he’s capable of comprehending)

“Okay son. I’m glad we had this little chat. I thought, you know, with you getting married next week i should really set you straight on this.”

“P.S. Oh, and don’t waste your money on phone sex lines or really anytime you have to pay to get jollies. They’re not horny sluts waiting for your call. They’re normal women working a job to pay their rent. It’s a performance and there is no truth to the situation.”

Here’s a rather good site to see a glimpse behind the bullshit.

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7 Comments »

  1. LMAO! You’re awesome!! I told my husband that he eventually needed to talk to my son about pleasing a woman and he was like, NO WAY! I thought we’d be doing his future lovers a favor, ya know? I hate to think about the boys having to go out there and figure it all out for themselves. I’ll be the first to admit that women are complicated.

    Comment by silvercloudfire — September 29, 2008 @ 7:28 pm | Reply

  2. If you’ll allow me to be a total liberal cerebroid for a moment, let me ask you to pull back and take a look at what you have just written. A number of assumptions spring to mind:

    – That your son will be heterosexual

    – That a “good male role model” is a fixed concept

    – That “women” want certain unvarying things (many’s the woman I’ve met trolling for losers to smack around, etc.)

    – That gender roles need to be observed in the first place

    Obviously I’ve betrayed my biases against the established system of gender, at least in my country. But analyzing your assumptions and where they arose is a good way to keep an accurate track of what signals you as a parent are giving to your son.

    Take my word for this: When your son leaves the fog of infancy and becomes a toddler, he will imitate you mercilessly. Every mannerism, every quirky behavior that you never noticed about yourself, will be shown to you as if in a small, squashed-up mirror. You may have your lesson plan down pat, but your child will be learning even while you are unaware that you are teaching.

    Thus, my advice to you is to be yourself. You have gained the friends you have and the partner you married by being yourself. The kid could learn far worse. If you put up a father figure front, a kid will see right through it. Whether the guard is up or down, they are watching you and taking notes. Learn from your own statement: Confidence is key. If the child knows that you are confident in being yourself, he will feel more comfortable doing the same.

    I don’t have unbridled admiration for my old man, to be sure. But I appreciate that he never concerned himself with machismo or the idea that a man and woman had a particular role (for the most part). Of the insecurities I have felt in my life, the idea that I was not “manly” enough was never a consideration. And one less neurosis heading into the horror of adolescence is a blessing beyond words.

    Oh, and talking about your sexual exploits with your son: Eww, eww, double eww. Of all the thoughts a kid wants in his brain, a picture of his old man getting it on is NOT one of them. Best to keep it third-person, methinks.

    Comment by matthew — September 30, 2008 @ 4:47 am | Reply

  3. 1. trust me. of anybody, i am well aware that he may not be heterosexual. However, for the purposes of discussion, the odds are about 90%, so what the hey.

    2. I don’t think a good male role model is a fixed concept. i think your son gets in from you based on everyday little details. But there IS such a thing as a male role model. You’re being one every day with your son whether you think about it or not.

    3. I thought about the woman thing while writing this. there are women who are looking to be degraded and other who are looking to dominate. It is a seperate discussion from the light hearted one here, but first and foremost i would hope he doesn’t get too wrapped up in someone’s serious games and pathologies. If he is first and foremost a decent, kind, and confident man, than the fact that that won’t help him get with someone “trolling for losers to smack around” or looking to BE smacked around, is a BIG bonus.

    4. Gender roles… listen. When have i ever been Mr. Gender Role stereotype? Do you think i will start now? However, we are having a discussion with a boy about chicks. There are generalities that exist, dude. We don’t live in a world where there is no gender. We laugh at some of those “women are like this, men are like this” because we recognize truths to them

    Some “truths” are simply the product of social conditioning and there is ALWAYS an exception to every “rule”. I assume you have been getting this across to your kid for a long time before the “how to nookie” conversation comes up. But you seem to want to not acknowledge the existance of gender at all. Or to pretend that it’s ONLY societal.

    Basically, this conversation does not exist in a vacuum.

    And as for how to be “Manly”…. there are traits as adults we need to know and which it helps if a parent can teach us. Like inner strength, how to stand up for yourself and what you think is right, how to deal with fear. A son will need to know these so he can grow into a Man. A girl will need to know the SAME THINGS so she can grow up into a Woman. I think you’re reading too much into this “Manly” thing. I think you’re removing me personally from the picture, and reading this as some generic lecture from a football watching, roof fixin’ Father stereotype.

    And what “father figure front”? Uhm… Matthew… you DO get, this post is supposed to make you laugh, right? It contains some more serious viewpoints that i’m exploring as i write them, but this isn’t at ALL how it will ever go down. This is just a me being speculatively funny.

    Although, i will give a point for hearing about his old man’s exploits. Perhaps you are right on this one. I’ll have to come up with a new method. Maybe the lecture: “How to Pummel Your B**** Like A Jackhammer Unless You’re Some Kind Of Pus** Fag”. 😉

    Comment by bunitingi — September 30, 2008 @ 3:39 pm | Reply

  4. Firstly, I recognize the tongue-slightly-in-cheek tone of the post. Nonetheless, I also recognize the real confusion that you mentioned at the top of the post, i.e. lack of a male role model and the resulting confusion about how to be one. I was responding to that far more than to the rest.

    Of COURSE this conversation doesn’t take place in a vacuum. The soul-sucking forces of assimilation and in-group/out-group will have their way with your boy, as they have with all of us. What I’m saying is that even in the midst of all that, they still observe your behavior and take lessons from it, whether they are even aware of doing so or not.

    And yes, I am providing a male role model to my son. But hopefully, what I am showing him is that the difference between “masculine” and “feminine” properties is not quite so black & white as our society dictates. Time will tell if that gets through the noise.

    My example of women looking to smack men around was merely one permutation of a larger idea, which is that different women want different things, as do different men. This goes back to the supposed immutability of masculine and feminine gender roles and desires. When teenagers begin seeking partners, they are told all these tales by friends & adults about what their targets want. In my case, I was able to ignore much of this bad information because I had a mother who contradicted many female stereotypes. I believe it resulted in me avoiding many masculine stereotypes that grow out of perceptions about women. Just my opinion and my experience.

    There are certainly differences in our approaches when it comes to what is vs. what could be. For instance, you say that you didn’t begin to explore the masculine side of your personality until your late 20s. I can’t fathom what that even means. What items in your personality are specifically “masculine?” I’m left to fill in blanks, and I can only assume that those blanks are fraught with male/female dichotomies which may or may not stand up under scrutiny. More specifics plz, kthx, lest you unleash the Rant Monster. Wait, too late.

    And no, I don’t in the slightest expect you to make with the camoflauge diapers, NASCAR blankets, & DVD reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. Just shining a light in the cave of doubt, which I know from experience can contain some scary shit.

    Incidentally, at no point in any of these discussions should you make the assumption that I know better about raising your kid than you do. He will have his own personality and environment which will give you challenges I do not face, and vice versa. I respond with advice only when asked, as above, and try to limit it to the subject at hand. Obviously there will be differences of opinion, but hey, ask an opinionated bastard a question, and ye shall receive…

    Comment by matthew — September 30, 2008 @ 4:41 pm | Reply

  5. Correction:

    “Incidentally, at no point in any of these discussions should you make the assumption that I [THINK I] know better about raising your kid than you do.”

    Obviously you wouldn’t make the assumption implied in the uncorrected sentence. Else you’d be a spineless goon.

    Comment by matthew — September 30, 2008 @ 4:51 pm | Reply

  6. I thought you wrapped it up well, so i don’t have much to add. The comment about not coming to full grips with the masculine side of my personality cannot be summed up in a simple response. It’s a subtle thing…. you’ll just have to trust me.

    As far as female expectations… there IS no course i can give him. I can explain what a great friend the clitoris is, but then he’s going to run across girl who don’t like having their clitoris stimulated. (My first major sexual relationship was with a girl who fit this description). Still, what can you do? You give some good advice and let them work out the rest on their own.

    I know you’re not telling me how to raise my kid. I figure you’re replying to issues that are of importance to you too.

    Comment by bunitingi — September 30, 2008 @ 6:13 pm | Reply

  7. I think, really, that you should slow down a bit, first. The part where they are still drooling on you and can’t wipe their own butt is at least 2-3 years long, ok? How to please da ladies is WAAAY off on the horizon.

    A good rule of thumb is this; there are MORE differences between Woman A and Woman B and Man A and Man B than between All Women and All Men (so sayeth SCIENCE). This is true of height, weight, how well-cooked you think your steak should be, etc. etc. etc.

    So being a Good Man or Good Woman is really just being a Good Person. Yes? That is plenty, plenty hard enough to teach a kid about. Don’t manipulate your partner, don’t steal from their bank account, don’t cheat on ’em, do tell them you love them. Do be there when they need you. Stand up for them. Take care of them. None of that is gender specific. If your son can manage all that, you’ll have done an excellent job.

    What is “manly”–courage? Women have courage. What is “womanly”–caretaking? Men can be excellent caretakers. It’s not so much about being a good liberal, it’s that these categories just aren’t useful.

    You and Maja know yourselves, you have fought hard to be the persons that you are. That wisdom is miles more important than whatever your parents told you or didn’t.

    Comment by emjaybee — September 30, 2008 @ 6:34 pm | Reply


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