The Bodacious Belgrade Blog

November 26, 2008

Your Baby Cries Because You Suck

Filed under: Uncategorized — bunitingi @ 1:09 am

You. Yes you. You reading this with the baby.

Why is your baby crying for hours at time every evening?

I’ll tell you why. It is because you SUCK.

Who told you you could do this? What are you a retard?

Why don’t you feed him? Why don’t you feed him enough? Why don’t you feed him properly?

Because you suck. Duh.

Oh my Gd, the terrible pathologies he is developing on a daily, nay, hourly basis. And who wouldn’t. What do babies need? Fed and cleaned. You clean him, you feed him, terribly i might add, and yet he cries every evening from 7-11. There can be only one reason for this. This is because you suck.

You are a bad, loser mother. You are a baffoonish dipshit of a father. Seriously. Poor little baby, look at him. He is so cute and helpless. He relies solely on you to take care of him, and yet apparently you are vastly too incompetent.

Oh weren’t YOU congratulating YOURselves when he was sOOOOO good today, unlike 7-11 last night. Oh how you learned SoOOOOOO  much and today was sooOOOO different. Until 7 that is. That is when we discovered you are still cretins, the both of you.

You make me sick. OooOOOOOO you learned to SWADDLE last night. NOW everything’s gonna be just PEACHY. You dolt.

Wow, what great baby theories you have. Too bad they suck. Oh, how nice, love and good intentions. Think back to that last exciting sports match you watched. You don’t think the loser had good intentions? I’m sure s/he intended to not suck too. But they sucked anyway. That’s why they’re the l-o-s-e-r. And even worse, you’re suckness is messing up this poor, innocent little baby. You should be ashamed.

I’m glad we had this little talk. I wouldn’t want you to go around with a false worldview. You know, that the world is a place you don’t suck in.

Please don’t miss my next lecture where I’ll be talking about positive reinforcement and childraising.

Advertisements

11 Comments »

  1. Yep. It’s Newborn Time.

    Comment by matthew — November 26, 2008 @ 2:38 am | Reply

  2. Just checking in to see how you are doing. Oh the memories this brings back. I’ll probably be up all night with flashbacks. I guess I should have known what was coming when the nurses at the hospital nicknamed my little bundle of joy Mimi (as in screaming Mimi) I have no words of wisdom because I never found a solution. My beautiful girl pretty much screamed if I wasn’t holding her for what seemed like months. It’s really all a blur. At least you have each other for consolation and breaks from the madness. My Husband was working ungodly hours and I felt pretty much alone all of the time. I do know that somewhere along the line it got better. Once he starts repaying you with smiles giggles and great big baby laughs it’s much better. Just hang in there. My little screamer is now a happy well adjust and very independent first grader.

    Comment by Tina — November 26, 2008 @ 6:16 am | Reply

  3. Hey, at least you are not pulling your hair out wondering why he is crying — you’ve simply succumbed to a possibility! Good choice, it’s easier to just let it roll and keep trying. My first did this very same thing. He’s a very happy little boy, so even though we may have sucked, he made it through okay! Yours will too.

    Comment by Ann — November 26, 2008 @ 7:39 am | Reply

  4. It is sort of blowing my mind that i’m getting baby encouragement half a world away from Ann Broadberry and Tina Schadle.

    However, THANK YOU, the encouragement really goes down well. Some parts of the day are bliss, but others…. and my poor wife. She has the toughest time with it. Poor mama instinct, it just kills her when her baby boy is unhappy or there’s something wrong with him. (gunk in eye, problems latching, peed on his umbilical cord, had a bout of nipple/bottle confusion…. i mean it’s always gonna be something)

    So during those moments when it all gets to be a bit much the encouragement goes down real well. (of course matthew and janell, you guys win the award. If i ever see y’all again, i’ll be driving up in a Sam Adams 18 wheeler.

    Comment by bunitingi — November 26, 2008 @ 1:02 pm | Reply

  5. Doesn’t it seem like no one ever told you about how hard it can be. It seems like everyone else’s baby slept through the night from the day they got home from the hospital, was able to nurse without any problem and somehow they were able to produce enough milk to feed multiple babies? At least you haven’t mentioned the dreaded inverted nipples. They’re great because they allow you to get away without a bra sometimes but pretty bad for breast feeding, but where there’s a will there is a way. Maja and Adam will work it out.

    Comment by Tina — November 26, 2008 @ 3:57 pm | Reply

  6. Sending you sympathy and hugs. If I had a teleporter, I’d come babysit.

    Colic is a bitch, but it’s not your fault. It’s just something some babies do, until one day when they don’t anymore.

    Comment by emjaybee — November 26, 2008 @ 5:30 pm | Reply

  7. Janell, i can guide you to some sites that offer great deals on flights. Can we put you down for the 7-11 shift next week?

    (current time: 6:08. Now that we have some of the feeding problems sorted, we’re hoping this evening breaks the pattern. We’ll see soon enough.)

    Both boobs are now fully operational, Captain.

    Pump away Ms. Scott. Pump away.

    Comment by bunitingi — November 26, 2008 @ 7:12 pm | Reply

  8. If only I had several hundred dollars and a passport…

    Before the next baby, maybe ya’ll can move to the states again? There’s a nice foreclosed house down the street from us that you can get for a song. Great school district. And no snow. 🙂

    Comment by emjaybee — November 26, 2008 @ 7:57 pm | Reply

  9. You mean the Murder House? Oh yeah, you can get that at Belgrade prices, I’ll betcha.

    Comment by matthew — November 26, 2008 @ 11:32 pm | Reply

  10. You know, you can get a gorgeous house in a beautiful little village just an hour outside belgrade for a whopping total of $3,000. Or is that E3,000? Either way, it’d be great place to sit out the world economic collapse/rapture/2012 Shenanigans depending on your preference. Personally, i’m really into 2012 as it looks to be the date i may finally get some decent sleep.

    Comment by bunitingi — November 27, 2008 @ 1:55 am | Reply

  11. Yes, but will you have any money left over for the child’s rakia?

    Comment by matthew — November 27, 2008 @ 4:50 am | Reply


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: