The Bodacious Belgrade Blog

December 2, 2008

How To Tell If You’re A New Parent

Filed under: Uncategorized — bunitingi @ 3:40 am

You finally crawl into bed glancing to check the time. It’s 4 Am and you think, wow, this is great, an early night tonight!

You are neither drunk nor stoned and yet you have gone in and out of the same room 3 times and cannot for the life of you remember what it was you were trying to to do.

Your wife has been awake since 4 AM because the baby was making “some sound” while he was sleeping.

You have turned your back on every single declaration you ever made while you were pregnant about how “differently” YOU you were going to do things. (“Oh no, we’re not going to use a Pacifier!” “Yes, we’re going to use only clothe diapers, none of these Pampers”)

You now find albums like The Carpenters’ Greatest Hits, and Sea Moods: The Sounds Of Waves to actually be pretty cool.

Furthermore you have listened to these albums more than all the albums you used to think were cool put together.

You have begun kneeling before your child’s little sleep pillow and in your Darth Vader voice asking “What is it you wish of me my Master?”

Furthermore sometimes in your delirium you actually believe he is in fact the Emperor. And sometimes when he cries while you’re sleeping you awake and cry out “NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

Being peed on no longer makes you blink an eye.

Nothing, not you, not chocolate, makes your wife happier than when the baby poops.

You have actually broke down sobbing while very sincerely and enthusiastically thanking a tiny little plastic pacifier.

When someone complains about only getting 6 hours of sleep the night before, you just laugh and laugh.

Whenever you have been on teh phone or online and said or written the words “Well, the baby’s sleeping and out like a light. I’m going to eat/sleep right now” this has in fact never, EVER, EVER happened until at LEAST another hour later.

You think your baby’s butt is more picturesque than the entire world history of art combined.










  1. Sounds about right. The world is littered with the abandoned promises of parents-to-be as at last they behold the child in all its demanding but incredibly cute splendor.

    Babies show us who we really are under all our posturing. It’s their superpower.

    Take heart. Sleep will return to your lives, slowly but surely.

    Comment by matthew — December 2, 2008 @ 5:16 am | Reply

  2. I have to say, that child has enormous hands. My kid was a moose all over, but I think all Maja’s gestational juices focused on making really bigass hands. He’ll either be a masseuse or a boxer.

    Comment by matthew — December 2, 2008 @ 5:19 am | Reply

  3. What about the testicles?! Seems to me they’re the most prominent of his attributes…

    Comment by bunitingi — December 2, 2008 @ 2:27 pm | Reply

  4. Well, we aren’t looking at those, buni. That’s his business.

    Last night my son said perhaps the sweetest phrase in the English language: “Night night Mama. You go now. See you later.” And then he rolled over and closed his eyes, and except for one nightmare, slept all night.

    Someday, it will happen to you too.

    Comment by emjaybee — December 2, 2008 @ 4:57 pm | Reply

  5. I suppose you could farm him out to stud when he gets older. Or maybe he could sing barbershop bass.

    Comment by matthew — December 2, 2008 @ 6:47 pm | Reply

  6. Oh as for the testes; all newborn boys have big uns cause of mama’s hormones. They don’t stay that way. Don’t sign ’em up for stud just yet, sorry…

    Comment by emjaybee — December 3, 2008 @ 12:16 am | Reply

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