The Bodacious Belgrade Blog

December 6, 2008

Babyzilla: Ravager Of Nipples

Filed under: Uncategorized — bunitingi @ 1:32 am

Girls, those of you thinking about having a little bundle of joy and picturing the beauty of breastfeeding, there are some details they never told us boys leading up to this.

First, breastfeeding is an amazing bonding experience between mother and child, and i’ve mentioned before, nothing can come before the baby’s devotion to The Great Titty.

However, what i DIDN’T know is that to a mother, the baby is many times like a little fanged vampire piranha coming to shred your nipples.

While the baby does not (thank heavens for my wife) have teeth, you’d be surprised what a famished dedicated muncher can do when he goes at your nipples like a  bag of fast food after a night out drinking.

There is pain involved. A bunch.

We supplement with the bottle on occasion. We really would rather go straight breast, and the breasts need to be sucked dry as often as possible to continue to increase milk supply (because the baby’s appetite increases over time, not the other way around), but psychologically maja simply needs a break every now and then. It can get hard sometimes.

A metaphor we use late at night when we’re half delirious that puts us into fits of giggles, is if instead of breasts, i was able to milk the baby with my testicles, and 7 times a day here he’d come, my little ball munching piranha, to put them through their ball crunching paces every 3 hours. I’d cry like a little newborn baby myself.

Who knew? I just pictured this tender motherly breastfeeding bliss, bathed in soft light, a gentle smile on her face, look of absolute rapture on his, much like the one that would be on mine if  i could only know the joy…

And certainly, this picture is true, and many times to some extant happens. But there’s also the pained grimace that begins most breastfeeding, the occasionally cry of agony, the clenched teeth as he goes at it a bit too ferociously, clearly having overheard the golf ball/garden hose metaphor and misunderstanding it doesn’t pertain to him or this particular situation.

Once he calms down it all goes well, and it’s not as unbearable or horrific as say, well, if he were actually munching my balls with the same zest in order to eat (is this metaphor really deranged? i mean, i know it’s a bit twisted, but at 4:30 am, trust me, we giggle to the point of tears).

I just never knew. Who knew?

So this is your heads up. Girls, enjoy the soft sensuality of those breasts now, before the most beautiful, adorable, most precious piranha you’ll ever meet comes along to rip them to shreds.

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6 Comments »

  1. Sigh, tis true, though I didn’t last as long as Maja since my milk never showed up at all for medical reasons that became clear later; what I did experience was difficult sometimes, and not others. Another argument against intelligent design, as there is zero evolutionary benefit to making this particular process painful. If it were designed by me, it’d be like an awesome high every time so that the moms got totally hooked on feeding their kids. Course then they’d never wean them.

    Have ya’ll tried nipple shields? They are controversial to some bfeeding types, don’t even know if they have those in Serbia, but they help some women I think.

    Comment by emjaybee — December 6, 2008 @ 5:14 am | Reply

    • We do use nipple shields. Maja tried them one night and that was that, she never went back. Unfortunately for your baby killing anti Intelligent Design homo marriage commie loving obama electing agenda, breastfeeding produced an opium-like endorphin in the mother. Maja does in fact get high and sleepy while breastfeeding.

      And everyone knows childbirth and breastfeeding was actually designed to not hurt. But then Eve had to pull Ada… uhm…. well Eve fucked it all up didn’t she? And so then it had to hurt.

      On that note, as of this afternoon i have now heard the suggestion that if we have a daughter we could name her Eve officially for the thousandth time. I can only begin to now appreciate how Gary Coleman must feel every day when someone stops him and goes “Hey, whachu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

      Lastly, in response to Henry, i have actually not yet tried the breastmilk. I don’t know why. But i am strangely not really moved to yet. Aside from the fact that Maja does not need another mouth hanging off of another nipple.

      Wish her well. She’s got a raging fever and is laying decimated in bed. I’m writing this at 6am, which should give you some idea of how it’s going on my end. It’s all good, i slept between 3:30 and 5.

      Comment by bunitingi — December 6, 2008 @ 8:05 am | Reply

  2. My brothers wife decided to breast feed as well. I think they are doing a combination of nipple feeding at night and bottle feed with breast milk during the day. She usually pumps 3 times a day and freezes the milk or stores it in the fridge. They have like their own little factory of plastic bags full of breast milk. I hear it tastes sweet.

    Comment by Henry — December 6, 2008 @ 5:59 am | Reply

  3. Poor Maja! we’re thinking of her, and poor exhausted Dad. I’m hoping there aren’t any mastitis symptoms? Just a cold?

    Comment by emjaybee — December 6, 2008 @ 11:17 pm | Reply

    • mastitis? uhm… here, let me google it.

      Comment by bunitingi — December 7, 2008 @ 1:25 am | Reply

      • no. this is flu caused by a decimated immune system

        Comment by bunitingi — December 7, 2008 @ 1:28 am


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