The Bodacious Belgrade Blog

June 1, 2009

Worst Father Of The Year or How I Dropped The Baby.

Filed under: Uncategorized — bunitingi @ 9:12 pm

I suck.

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We were at the weekend house. We had just come back from an afternoon trip to some nice park and were loading him out of the car. His little buckle that straps him in his little car seat had been undone. I picked up the seat with him in it and proceeded to climb down these rocky conrete things. The seat tipped forward (which never used to happen because he always fit so snugly in it) and DOWN he WENT, face first onto the GRAVEL.

He was sleeping. Or had been at least…

Screams. Maja’s mom was right there and she scooped him up. We took him inside and maja and her mother fussed over him and cleaned his wound in the bedroom while i sat in the room outside listening to his cries. Every cry he made a tear fell down my face.

I hated myself. At that moment, had he not in fact needed a father, i would gladly have committed hari kari. You think i’m joking, but no, i really would have sliced my own stomach with a sharpened samurai sword. Hell, a samurai sword would have been too cool for the likes of me. A rusty tin can. Would have been a bit more difficult, but i would have persevered so that in my sacrifice i could spare him further harm from his dipshit father.

The WORST moment… So maja and her mom have cleaned and bandaged the wound and he’s STILL crying bloody murder. So i pull myself together (i was a wreck…), went in there, picked him up and started singing to him.

He immediately stopped crying and nuzzled into my arm. I kept singing and 10 minutes later he was asleep.

That was the worst moment. I thought i would REALLY lose it. After i totally **** up and cause him the greatest pain and scare he’s yet known in his short life, and directly afterwards he just goes right on trusting me implicitly and feeling safe in my arms.

I would have gone right for that rusty tin can expect in my moment of painful death i would have invariably dropped the baby aGAIN, so, in the words of Dorothy Parker: I might as well live.

See! Look! He smiles even in the hands of his tormentor:

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5 Comments »

  1. Aww, go easy on yourself, Dad. You fucked up. All parents fuck up. HE knows you’re still a good daddy. So why don’t you accept that he knows what he’s talking about?

    The very first weeks of Nathan’s life, he scratched his little baby face because I failed to cut his nails in time. And it’s been all guilt ever since, if I don’t make myself turn it off.

    I used to think Nathan was suicidal because he was so attracted to sharp dropoffs and dangerous parts of the playground, or high places. He tried to take headers out of the stroller many times. A couple of times he was only saved from serious harm by being on carpet or grass, because I didn’t get there in time. And now that’s he’s mobile, I have to help him learn how to explore and not be too fearful while also making him have wise fears, like not running into traffic.

    Parenting is fucking hard. And it makes you paranoid. Which is why I can’t watch crime shows about kids getting hurt, I don’t need any more nightmare fuel.

    But your little boy is wise, so listen to him.

    Comment by emjaybee — June 2, 2009 @ 6:48 am | Reply

  2. Just remember this when he’s 16 and pouty and you would really like to smack him in the face. You’ve already done it!!

    Comment by matthew — June 2, 2009 @ 6:55 pm | Reply

    • eMJB: As a 6 month old he is a lot of things. But wise? Isn’t that… an oxymoron?

      Matthew: heh heh heh heh heh heh

      Comment by bunitingi — June 2, 2009 @ 10:15 pm | Reply

  3. Eh it happens just wait till he falls down the stairs, I was told I did that a lot as a child. I enjoyed the carpety feel of the stairs too much apparently.

    Comment by Henry — June 5, 2009 @ 4:01 pm | Reply

  4. And then there’s the scar below Paul’s eye that surely looked massive on his tiny year-old face when he landed upside down in the metal Mickie Mouse wastebasket next to the changing table.

    Comment by Paul's mom — June 10, 2009 @ 4:07 am | Reply


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