98% of my regular blog readership will want to skip this post. Seriously. You really, REALLY want to skip this one.
A couple of you will be foolish enough to keep reading, and if your name is Jaimee and you’re a lawyer living in DC, this will probably be your favorite post EVER.
When i check my blog statistics i get to see all the search terms that lead the non regulars to the blog. And there is one search term that conSIStently pops up, day after day, whether i blog every day or take a month off. And that search term is “Gay Harry Potter”.
I get more hits for Gay Harry Potter than for anything else.
I’ve only mentioned Harry Potter a few times, and i’ve mentioned Gayity a few times, almost never together (although there’s that one pic from the Banned Book post, another very highly populated post), and yet in they pour, to what has become essentially a never ending baby blog, looking for Gay Harry Potter.
After watching this happen day after day, i can’t help but conclude that there is a desperate need on the net for more Gay Harry Potter. So as a service to the masses, for all those who come here seeking some gay Harry Potter porn and finding only stupid baby stories, this post is for you. I am taking the trouble to write a script for a Gay Harry Potter porno. I must warn you, though, if you’ve come here just for gay harry potter, you really, really will not like anything else on this blog. And for those of you who like everything else on the blog, you really, really will not like this:
Harry Potter And The Sorcerer’s Bone.
(Scene: A train station. Harry and his adopted family are standing outside a train.)
Mr. Dursley: Good riddance you little shit!
Harry: Sod off you fat wanker!
(Scene, inside train compartment. Harry enter car where Ron is sitting alone. Both look frightened.)
Harry: Uhm, is this compartment taken?
Ron: No, you can sit here if you like. My name’s Ron.
Harry: Thanks Ron. I’m Harry. (Harry sits. Ron sniffles)
Harry: What’s wrong?
Ron: I’m just so nervous. I’ve never been away from home before.
Harry: It’s okay, Ron. We’ll look out for each other. (Puts his arm around Ron.)
(Malfoy sticks his head in the compartment)
Malfoy: What’s this? Two little scared babies?
Ron: Shut up, Malfoy!
Malfoy: You’re poor and you’re mom’s a crackwhore!
Harry: Go away, you tosser!
Malfoy: You wish you could toss me! (Goes away.)
Harry: Don’t listen to him, Ron. I’m sure your mom has her reasons.
Ron: Thanks, Harry. You’re a good friend. (they inch closer.)
Harry: So what do we do all trip?
Ron: We could play a game. Have you ever played Wands?
Harry: No. I just got mine.
Ron: Not that wand, silly.
Harry: Than what wand? I only have this phoenix wand.
Ron: Your OTHER wand, Harry. Here, i’ll show you how to play.
(Ron unzips Harry’s pants. Cue music- Herbie Hancock: Chameleon.
Gay sex ensues.)
(Hermione enters the dorm floor at Hogwarts. Lots of girls are sitting around in their robes and nighties.)
Hermione: Well, hello. I’m hear to find where to put my stuff and bed down.
Random Girl: You can’t stay here until you’ve passed the initiation!
Hermione: That’s ridiculous! This is a socialist democracy. Free housing is given all based on equal…
Other Girl: Look bookworm, in here housing is given to all those who pass the initiation.
Hermione: What’s the initiation?
Random Girl: You must please us. All of us.
Hermione: Please you? How?
(Cue music- Enya: Any damn song. They’re all the same.
Massive lesbian orgy ensues.)
(Harry and Ron are wandering the forest at night.)
Ron: I don’t like this, Harry. Why are we here again?
Harry: Because Voldermort is trying to take over my mind.
Ron: How do you know this?
Harry: Because he makes me think of stuff. Terrible stuff.
Ron: What kind of stuff?
Harry: Stuff involving…. (he shudders. In a quiet voice) lots of…. penises.
Ron: Sounds pretty gay to me.
Harry: I’m NOT GAY! I’m NOT! I HATE queers! Hate them! It’s not me! It’s Voldermort!
Ron: You’re a nutter.
(Large Centaur appears)
Centaur: Halt! What are you doing in my forest?
Ron: Jesus! He’s hung like a horse!
Centaur: Well it would stand to reason.
Harry: No Ron, i won’t look. I won’t!
Centaur: What are two young, nubile little twinks doing out in the woods so late? You are not allowed here. We normally treat trespassers roughly. But for you two, perhaps if you pay the toll i can be persuaded to let you pass.
Ron: What toll?
Centaur: The pole toll.
Harry: Oh no! I can feel Voldermort trying to influence my mind!
Centaur: Bend over, boys.
(Cue music- I Want A Hip Hop Horse.
Gay transpecies sex ensues.)
(Inside of Hagrid’s cottage.Night. He is downing the better half of a bottle of Scotch.)
Hagrid: Bloody hell I’m sauced!
Hagrid: Ah, and i’ve got me a mighty itch that needs scratched.
Hagrid: That’s right, get over here, Dragon!
(Cue music- Manowar: Ride The Dragon
Gay, very wrong, cross species sex ensues.)
(Snape’s classroom, after class. Snape is lecturing Harry and Neville)
Snape: You two are worthless. Your grades in my class are below acceptable and i will be delighted when the two of you flunk out.
Neville: I can’t flunk out, i can’t! Please Professor Snape, there must be SOMEthing we can do to raise our grades!
Harry: Ah! Voldermort, he’s coming! He’s coming!
Snape: No he’s not, but if you want to stay at Hogwart’s, I had better be.
(Cue music- Van Halen: Hot For Teacher
Gay sex ensues.)
(At some point late in scene there is a sudden flash of smoke. Dobby appears.)
Dobby: No! Leave good Harry alone you must! Dobby will not let harm come to Harry!
Neville: Is that Yoda?
Harry: No, it’s Dobby the house elf.
Snape: Quiet, Elf! I will have my way with th…..
(Dobby casts spell on Snape and freezes him. Since we have no budget we suggest actor suddenly stands very still.)
Dobby: Run, Harry!
(The three of them run out of the classroom and down into the kitchen where the various house elves are preparing dinner.)
Dobby: Safe here we will be, Harry.
Neville: I’m telling you, he talks exactly like Yoda. And only mildly more attractive.
Harry: Thank you so much, Dobby. You saved us. We’re so grateful.
Neville: Yeah, thanks.
Dobby: All Dobby wants, all any house elf wants is to please his master.
(Other elves nod in agreement.)
Dobby: Please Harry, can… can Dobby….. please you?
Harry: Uh oh, Voldermort is rising.
Dobby: Maybe Dobby can make Voldermort go away again.
Harry: Please Dobby, take care of Voldermort.
(Cue music- uh… absolutely no idea. Gay elf orgy with Harry and Neville ensues. Do they make songs for occasions like these?)
(Hogwart living area. Harry’s backing is turned and a slapping sound can be heard)
Harry: Down Voldermort! Get down you bald bastard!
(Malfoy walks in.)
Malfoy: Well if it isn’t Potter the little twink.
Harry: I’m not a twink!
Malfoy: You are so gay, Potter.
Harry: I’m NOT! I HATE queers! It’s Voldermort, it’s all Voldermort!
Malfoy: Voldermort is just your penis, Harry.
Harry: No, he’s another person who makes me think bad things!
Malfoy: I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to kick your ass, Potter.
Harry: Bring it you Wagnerian wank bucket.
(Harry and Malfoy have wizards duel. Due to limited budget they just pull out light sabers and bang the shit out of each other.
Draco loses. He lays on the floor as Harry stands over him.)
Harry: See what you’ve done, Draco! Now Voldermort has risen!
Malfoy: You are a fucking nutter, Potter.
Harry: Shut up Draco! I’m tired of your big mouth. I know how to shut you up. You just need something stuffed in it!
(Cue music- Billy Squier: Stroke Me.
Needless to say, gay sex ensues.
Afterwards they lay together.)
Harry: Oh Draco, you’re the only one who has ever been able to tame Lord Voldermort.
Malfoy: You’re right, Harry, Voldermort sure is one mighty bugger.
(They kiss. Cue music: Air Supply: I’m All Out Of Love.